The Question that means well, but…
March 3rd, 2010
I was visiting recently with a seasoned, successful, and highly respected colleague who is an excellent communicator and knows a lot about attracting and building strong, mutually fruitful business relationships. It became clear as we talked that the question, “What can I do for you?” didn’t really work for us anymore. We weren’t quite sure why until we started discussing it.
We agreed that the intention behind The Question was good. After all, building mutually beneficial relationships requires a generous spirit. I give a little. You give a little. We make progress together toward achieving our vision and goals. That’s a very good thing.
However, we agreed that many people misuse The Question. It’s like handing someone a hammer and suddenly everything looks like a nail. It’s the be-all, end-all solution to getting the job done. And they believe it makes them look good and makes the other person feel good, too. Or does it?
Maybe you’ve experienced this: You’ve just had a delightful and meaningful conversation with someone over lunch, coffee, or cocktails. You’ve shared genuine information about yourself and your business, the ups as well as the downs. They have, too.
Then, almost as if scripted, the other person suddenly says, “So, what can I do for you?”
For me, this sudden interjection of The Question sounds awkward, rehearsed, and insincere. It throws the conversation off balance; breaks the mood. I feel put on the spot and even a little uncomfortable. At that point, I’m just not ready or willing to rattle off a laundry list of my needs.
I want time to digest the conversation and think about the relationship. How can I be of help to them? How might they be able to help me? What can we do together strategically? How do we complement each other?
Moreover, when The Question pops out of nowhere, I get the feeling the other person wasn’t even listening to me as we talked. Like they completely missed the boat on what I’ve said. They’ve used The Question to pretend they care. This leaves me feeling a little confused. Ever felt that way?
Or, worse, The Question is used like an alarm; a way to say, “Hey! Times up. Conversation over. I have to go. Get to the point so I can get out of here!
Again, I do believe the essence of The Question is good and most people who use it are givers. However, there must be better ways to learn how we can be of help to others; ways that are customized to the conversation, sound more sincere, less prescribed, and leave the other person feeling heard, valued, and not pressured.
What are your thoughts on The Question? In the next DeNotations, I’ll offer up some alternatives that might be useful to us as we “Work and Connect at a Higher Level” and learn how we can serve others.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:05 am
This is a great post on the spirit of networking.
When you ask someone “So, What can I do for you?” what you’re really saying is “What do you want from me?”.
What if you said, “How can I help you?”.
Put your heart in it - you have to mean it! Networking (as with sales) is most effectively done when you care, connect, solve problems and develop relationships that are real. Not just going through the motions.
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:22 am
Thanks, Alicia, for your thoughtful comment and for the RT on Twitter. Would love to hear what others have to say about this as well.
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:04 pm
This is a really well thought out post Patti. I think you’re absolutely right as I often feel this when when on the receiving end of the “So, what can I do for you?” question.
Alicia makes some very good points as the way you ask probably has more to do than exactly what you ask. That being said perhaps a softer approach that sounds more like: “Is there anything I can help you with.” Though maybe that just sounds better in my head and wouldn’t make a practical difference.
On the flip side I think a big reason we’re uncomfortable when we’re asked the question is because we’re just not prepared to answer it. This is especially true for givers who think about others first. We often forget about the receiving side and have not given enough consideration to what it is that we want or need. It’s a tough balance for sure.
Food for thought. I’m interested in the additional conversation and your follow-up thoughts as well Patti.
Happy Networking!
-Scott
March 3rd, 2010 at 3:29 pm
I could not agree more with Patti’s highly attuned post. I believe that the act of meeting with someone embodies The Question. Why else are you meeting? And, as each of us are individuals, so each meeting has its own individual conclusion.
I often conclude by repeating an action that I’ve committed to during the conversation.
However, if it just wasn’t that kind of conversation, then I’ll simply say what’s in my heart: Either, ‘I’m looking forward to keeping in contact.’ Or, in the event we have not developed a rapport, ‘Thank you for spending the time with me.’
March 4th, 2010 at 6:52 am
Boy did his post resonate for me. I’m in transition and when that question pops up at the end I too am often at a loss or have been left feeling very awkward. I genuinely believe most people want to help if they can but often don’t really know what they might be able to to do - they need a prescription. Perhaps some forethought before networking meetings might mitigate some of the awkwardness. And of course there’s always the possibility of getting back to someone who you feel really does want to help and is in a position to help.
March 4th, 2010 at 7:59 am
Patti, I feel asking what can I do for you is stilted when brought into the conversation as you describe. Scripting oneself to merely ask what can I do for you shows a lack of understanding of the notion. If the notion were fully understood a genuine sense of wanting to find a way to assist the other individual would be in motion throughout the visit.
March 4th, 2010 at 10:39 am
Offline comments via email are telling me that people are impacted by: 1) WHO is asking The Question, 2) HOW it is being asked (e.g. the exact wording), 3) WHEN & WHERE it is asked, and 4) the body language, tone, spirit, and even any subtle motives behind it. In other words, if you’re not sincere when asking, others DO pick up on it. Loving this discussion!
Please share you thoughts if you feel so inclined.
March 4th, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Hello Patti,
It is interesting that you brought this up.I was honestly not aware that this was sort of the “posh” question to ask when networking. I asked a young graduate student that very question this past week. When I did, her answer shocked me. I had simply asked…Katie, what can I do for you?…she hesitated…even acted a little shocked and replied slowly…. Wow…no one has ever asked me that question before.
Perhaps those of us who frequent “networking” events hear it so much that we lose sight of the powerful impact we can have by simply offering a helping hand.
I do believe intentions play a huge part in whether or not to ask the question. It is like asking someone “How are you”…and not really caring or waiting for an answer.
Once again you have given us all some great food for thought. Thank you Patti for keeping us all connecting on a higher level!
March 6th, 2010 at 9:36 am
What a great observation! I’ve read hundreds of career stories in the last two years for the Statesman’s JobsPlus section. No small percentage have been about networking and most networking stories recommend asking the question. Now that you expose the question for the hammer that it is, I realize that there are many ways to express the sentiment without resorting to asking so bluntly. First, the true answer is usually something as simple as a heartfelt expression of gratitude or a snail mail note that brightens the person’s day. If the person is hoping the reciprocal “do for you” is something like an introduction to a CEO or a job offer, then the asker should know enough about the person to suggest ways they can help without asking the person point blank. A skilled networker should be able to discern what they can do within the wide range of possibilities without putting the person on the spot.
March 8th, 2010 at 7:11 pm
Patti, this is a fantastic post. I have definitely been on the receiving end of “The Question,” and I do feel put on the spot. I think that I have asked The Question, but I believe I do it in a different way… I think I say something like, “What do you think is the best way I can help you?” I am reconsidering even that… and also wondering if that is what I really say! It’s hard to recall! Mostly in a conversation like this I have been throwing out ideas the whole time as they occur to me, because I get very excited about making connections for people and helping. So often I am summing up a conversation with those action items. I do think that we could all be more careful about how we wrap up our conversations to make sure we all feel heard and validated and understood by each other. Thanks, Patti!
- Lorie